Courage
by Big Cliffy Meanie1
Summary: Gretchen battles her inner demons, with the support of those who love her, will she walk towards the light, or will her demons win? One shot song fic.


Okay, so i've had this story planned for a good while, and had it sitting on my laptop for a couple of months. When I first wrote it, i was really pleased with it, I planned to proof read, and publish. But upon reflection, I'm really not pleased with the story line itself, so i've held off posting it. However, I'm positing it now, its written up, and it might be that people will like it, and I'm being overly-critical. It may well just be becuase it is my first non-TJ/Spinelli story!

The song its written too is called 'Courage' by 'Superchick' have a listen/watch here:  
watch?v=kSsEgbp0UTw

I dont own Recess, or the song Courage.

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**I told another lie today  
And I got through this day  
No one saw through my games  
I know the right words to say  
Like "I don't feel well"  
"I ate before I came"**

Puberty is something that is never easy to face as a teenager. To some, it can be kind, take Ashley Spinelli, she hit puberty, and by the time she was sixteen, she was blessed with the development of natural, jaw dropping curves, an all the right places. However, to others, puberty wasn't so kind. Take Gretchen Grundler for example, as a child, she had always been tall, and effortlessly slim, a fact she loved about herself. Some called her tall and gangly, but in her eyes, she was happy, and never gave her body too much consideration. But then she hit puberty, and everything changed; she wasn't as lucky as Ashley Spinelli. She slowly saw her frame increase, inch by inch, effortlessly slim and tall, tall and gangly, whatever you wanted to call it, now she was neither. As puberty drew on Gretchen began to feel self conscious and unattractive next to her best friend, boys noticed Spinelli, and were all attracted to her, but they looked straight through Gretchen. The difficulty in hitting puberty, coupled with fact the she herself, and the other girls in her grade, had also began to notice boys, and realise that they weren't so 'icky' as they'd first thought, soon became unbearable. She noticed one boy in particular, Vince LaSalle, but soon enough he as he hit puberty, and his height shot up, he began to take his basketball more seriously, and was always surrounded by cheerleaders and female athletes; all with perfect, slim bodies. However much admiration and attraction seemed to follow Spinelli, she of course, only had eyes for one person: TJ Detweiler. Spinelli and TJ had been dating for a year, inevitable she knew, but she couldn't help but realise it happened as Spinelli hit puberty, and her beauty was enhanced, not that she doubted the genuineness of TJ's feelings. As for Gretchen, she felt her beauty diminish. Then, after a very long time of self-hate, and feeling unattractive, Gretchen reached that defining moment when she took matters into her own hands, and tried to do something about the years of cooped up self-loathing. She'd tell herself that she was only doing it for the time being: as a means to an end.

**Then someone tells me how good I look  
and for a moment  
For a moment I am happy  
But when I'm alone  
No one hears me cry**

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::FLASHBACK::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Hey Gretch, you coming to lunch?" asked Spinelli, appearing by her locker "Today's special is pizza, our fave!"

"Yeah, I just need to go to return a book to the library first, you coming?"

"No, I'm good, see you in the canteen?" replied Spinelli

"Sure, see you there" said Gretchen, closing her locker and making her way to the up the corridor.

"BOOM BOOM BOOM" said Lawson, loudly in Gretchen's ear, in sync with her footsteps, as she walked, Gretchen stopped and turned to glare at him.

"Is there something you want Lawson?" asked Gretchen, her tone cool as she tried to pretend she wasn't hurt by his mocking

"Oh no, nothing" said Lawson simply, he waited until Gretchen had turned around, and began walking again "BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!"

"Lawson, cut it out" said the former-king Bob, who was leaning causally against his locker, watching as Lawson tormented Gretchen. She was just about to thank him, her spirits lifting as she questioned her self-loathing a little, when he continued "Gretchen can't help being a big girl, so lay off her"

All around her, people began to laugh, feeling utterly humiliated Gretchen ran, as fast as she could, toward the girls toilets.

"BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM" shouted Lawson at a faster pace, in continued sync, as Gretchen ran.

Gretchen reached the toilets, locked herself in, and began to cry. After a couple of minutes she heard the door open and voices, so she tried to silence her sobs.

"Ashley Q" said Ashley A's voice "You might want to, like, talk to Lawson, it was totally harsh what he said to Gretchen"

"The boy just, like, gets carried away sometimes" said Ashley Q "But I still love him"

"Yes, well at least Bob totally stood up for her" said Ashley A "I like, totally have great taste in boyfriends"

"Girl, he hardly stood up for her, he called her fat too, and he said it to her face!" said Ashley B "Both your boyfriends were jerks"

"You're totally right Ashley B" said Ashley A "We'll talk to them. There's like no need for them to say that to her face, at least we like, have the decency to call her fat behind her back"

"Totally" agreed Ashley Q "I'll talk to Lawson. You have to feel sorry for Gretchen, she's like totally put on _soooooooo_ much weight since elementary school!"

"I know, right" replied Ashley T "Has the girl never heard of a diet?!"

"Girl is probably in the cafeteria stuffing her fat face with pizza" replied Ashley B, as she and her fellow Ashleys squealed with laughter

"We all know how she loves her pizza" confirmed Ashley Q.

"Girl knows how to eat" agreed Ashley B "Its shameful how much pizza she puts away. What on earth does Vince see in her?! I cant believe they've been dating for four months, he should totally be interested in me"

"You're right Ashley B" agreed Ashley T

"But he isn't interested" replied Ashley B "I offered him a casual relationship a few times, but he turned me down. The boy must like big girls"

"ewwwww!" cried the four Ashley's in unison.

"Come on girls" said Ashley A "Before all the good salads get taken, there's no way I'm like eating pizza!"

Gretchen heard the door close, and she unlocked her cubicle door, staring herself in the mirror, thinking that she had never looked quite so fat as she did right now. Then all the mounted up years of feeling ugly, or chubby, reached its peak, and came crashing down on her, burying her. At this moment Gretchen knew that she would do anything not to feel what she was feeling right now, ever again. Gretchen decided that she would do whatever it took, not to be that self-loathing chubby girl. This was the moment that Gretchen Grundler's anorexia started; not that she'd be able to admit to it, she would say it was just a diet.

Wiping away her tears, she washed her hands, and made her way to the cafeteria, buying just a bottle of water, and sitting down with her friends.

"Are you not getting anything Babe?" asked Vince, kissing her cheek "Pizza is your favourite!"

"I don't feel well" lied Gretchen, as she looked around, watching her friends eating the greasy pizza and feeling revolted that until this moment, she'd of gladly done the same.

"You do look a bit pink and blotchy" commented Gus "Should you visit the nurse?"

"No, I'll be fine Gus, but thank you for your concern" replied Gretchen, breathing as sigh of relief as the gang brought what would be the first of many lies.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::END OF FLASHBACK:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

**I need you to know  
I'm not through the night  
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light  
I need you to know  
That we'll be okay  
Together we can make it through another day**

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::FLASHBACK: THREE MONTHS LATER:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Let's go hit the food court" said Mikey, as he and the rest of the gang where at the mall.

"Why don't we look around for a bit more?" asked Gretchen

"We can look later Gretch" said Spinelli "I'm starving!"

The gang all voiced their agreement, and Gretchen reluctantly walked with them toward the food court. As they rounded the corner, they nearly bumped into the Ashleys.

"Like, watch where you're going!" snapped Ashley A, glaring at the gang, when she spotted Gretchen, and her obvious weight loss, her eyes widened, and she smiled "Oh my god, Gretchen! Have you lost weight?"

"She totally has" said Ashley Q "You look really good Gretchen, well done!"

"Totally" said the other three Ashley's in unison.

"Thank you" said Gretchen with a smile, the Ashleys smiled back at her, and walked away

"I never thought I'd say this, but the Ashleys are right Gretch" said Spinelli, the gang all nodded in agreement "You do look good"

"Thank you so much guys" said Gretchen, her happiness growing as she received the compliments "It means a lot to hear you say that"

"Ok" said Mikey, as they reached the food court "Let's all split up, get what we want, and meet back here to find a table.

"I'll grab us a table" said Gretchen, sitting down at a six-seater table, the way no way she was going to eat now and undo all her hard work from the past few months, not now she knew she was getting somewhere, not now she was finally getting compliments, plus, she reasoned with herself, she was taking vitamins, so that kept her healthy.

"Are you not eating?" asked Vince

"No" said Gretchen, telling another one of her lies that she'd gotten so expert in telling, they helped her get through the day, without people seeing through her games "I ate before I came"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::END OF FLASHBACK:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

**I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful  
The day I chose not to eat  
What I do know is how I changed my life forever  
I know I should know better  
There are days when I'm okay  
And for a moment  
For a moment I find hope  
But there are days when I'm not okay  
And I need your help  
So I'm letting go**

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::ANOTHER THREE MONTHS LATER:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Gretchen walked through her front door, after an hour run, drenched with sweat. Throwing her jacket over the banister, she headed into the kitchen to get a single glass of water and her vitamins, although she hated taking them. Gretchen was sure they were what made the fat cling to her; scientifically she couldn't understand why, but she knew if she wasn't eating and consuming fat-and-calorie-filled-garbage, then she needed to get the vitamins and nutrients, and vitamins that her body needed from somewhere. She was intelligent, she knew what she was doing, and its not like she had a problem, not really...

She would then shower, and head off to school, this was her morning ritual. Gretchen was sipping her water slowly, and reluctantly slipped a vitamin tablet into her mouth, her skin crawling with self disgust, when a voice behind her made her jump.

"Gretchen, sweetie" said Mrs Grundler, Gretchen felt her heart thumping, feeling startled. She hadn't realised her mum was home, usually her parents were out early, normally before she got up, or before she'd returned from the run, which she would sneak out for if they were home. Her parents were usually at work all day, and wouldn't return home to late evening; this was favourable for Gretchen, as it meant she could avoid making excuses to them about not eating the vast majority of the time.

"Mum!" said Gretchen with surprise "You surprised me, I didn't realise you were still home!"

"Sweetie, have you been out exercising this morning?"

"What?!" asked Gretchen with surprise, and quickly covering her actions with a lie "Oh, yes, I have I'm on my period at the moment mum, I woke up with menstrual cramps. Studies have shown light exercise relieves this, so I went for a little walk around the block"

"Ok" said Mrs Grundler "Well let me fix you some breakfast"

"Oh, no thank you mum, I'm meeting the gang for breakfast at school" lied Gretchen again

"Sweetie, I'm concerned, you need to eat something! You've lost a lot of weight recently" commented Dolores Grundler "Phil and I are growing concerned" (A/N: I got the names of Gretchen's parents from wiki)

"I said I was going to eat at school!" snapped Gretchen, her temper flaring up, and getting the better of her. She felt so frustrated, why was her mother bothering her so much?! She knew she may have been overdoing it a little with the dieting and exercise, but with Vince being so athletic, being on the basketball team, and surrounded by the ultra-slim cheerleader Ashley's all the time, she knew she had to keep her weight down to keep her man. Especially with Ashley B still sniffing around him. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself by dieting and exercising, particularly when the fat continued to cling to her

"Gretchen" started Mrs Grundler, however Gretchen interrupted her

"I'm fine Mum, really" said Gretchen "But if you're worried, I'll have breakfast!"

"Good girl" said Mrs Grundler, putting down a large bowl of chocolate cereal in front of her daughter.

"Thanks mum" said Gretchen, playing with the food, hoping she could avoid eating without her mother realising, Gretchen lifted the spoon to her mouth, bringing to her lips and pausing "So do you have the day off today mum?"

"Oh no, I just arranged to go in late, I wanted to make sure you were okay" replied Mrs Grundler, turning around after she'd seen Gretchen take a mouthful of cereal and putting her phone in her bag. While her back was turned, Gretchen quickly spat the cereal back into the bowl, and pretended to continue chewing.

"I'm fine mum" said Gretchen, as she faked the sound of having her mouth full "Thank you for breakfast, this is lovely"

"You always did like it" commented Mrs Grundler, picking up her bag and coat "Phil thought we were worrying needlessly, I'm glad he's right. I better get off to work now sweetie, bye bye"

"Bye mum" called Gretchen, watching as her mum walked from the room. She waited until she heard the car drive away, before she threw the cereal down the toilet and flushed it; she couldn't risk her parents finding the food in the bin, as they were already suspicious.

**I need you to know  
I'm not through the night  
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light  
I need you to know  
That we'll be okay  
Together we can make it through another day  
**

The lunch bell rang, and the gang walked out of class and began heading to the cafeteria.

"Gretchen, what are you doing?" asked Spinelli, as her friend parted from the rest of the gang, who were all headed for the dinner queue, and headed toward the table.

"Oh I'm not very hungry at the moment" replied Gretchen "I had a huge breakfast. It's okay though my parents and I are going out for a meal tonight at that All You Can Eat restaurant, I want to make sure I have enough room for all the food"

The gang all exchanged a look, which didn't go unnoticed by Gretchen.

"You've lost way to much weight now Gretchen" said Spinelli flatly, grabbing Gretchen's frail arm, and dragging her into the queue, loosening her grip as she did so, afraid Gretchen's arm might actually snap "So another meal won't kill you"

"Okay" said Gretchen faking her enthusiastic voice, as she mentally tried to plan how to get out of the situation "Sounds good, look! They have burgers! I love burgers!"

"A girl after my own heart" commented Mikey, as they neared the food counter "I plan to get two burgers"

"Let me go first" said Gretchen brightly, stepping ahead of Mikey and picking up a burger and fries, with the same excited tone "Look! Cookies! I'm getting two!"

The gang all exchanged looks at Gretchen's apparent 180 in attitude. Once they all had selected their food and paid, they made their way to their usual lunch table. As Gretchen made her way to the table, she noticed a puddle on the floor and pretended to slip, and dropped her tray, and its content, on the floor.

"Oh no" cried Gretchen, as relief flooded through her body "My food! And I don't have enough money to buy any more! ...At least I'm eating tonight"

"Don't worry Gretchen" said Vince "You can share mine"

"Oh, no" said Gretchen "No, that's okay, I don't want to take your food, you need to keep your strength up for basketball practice"

"Well then I'll go buy you some more" said Vince, Gretchen was aware of the rest of the gang watching the situation unfold.

"Oh no Vince, don't waste your money. Like I said, I'm not hungry" reassured Gretchen, her relief now replaced by panic.

"Gretch, you need to eat" said Vince gently

"What! Vince I told you guys! I have eaten a big breakfast! I'm not hungry! I'm going for a meal later!" snapped Gretchen, her temper, which seemed to be increasingly sort as of late, flaring.

"Yes. So you tell us" snapped Gus angrily "But we-"

"Actually" said Gretchen hurriedly "I think I have an upset stomach, I have to go to the toilet"

Gretchen didn't pause for a response, she stood up, and bolted from the cafeteria. Noticing the gang running behind her, she picked up her pace. As she began to run faster, she began to feel sick, dizzy and light headed, her vision began to cloud.

* * *

Suddenly, she was lying on a cold hard floor, her head swayed as she could hear talking around her.

"Gretchen, Gretchen" said a voice in her ear.

Opening her eyes, Gretchen realised that she was laid out on the floor of the corridor at school, all around her people stood watching and whispering, next to her knelt one of the teachers.

"Gretchen, you fainted" said the math teacher Mrs Smith, with concern "let's get you to the nurse"

**You should know you're not on your own  
These secrets are walls that keep us alone  
I don't know when but I know now  
Together we'll make it through somehow  
Together we'll make it through somehow  
**

Gretchen closed her front door and walked into the lounge, the school nurse had sent her home early after Gretchen had managed to convince her that she was coming down with a viral infection and needed some rest. She wasn't sure how she'd managed it, but she'd convinced the nurse there was nothing else wrong. Now she just had to figure out how to convince the rest of the gang, but at least it was a Friday, and she had the whole weekend to build a plan. Or so she thought.

"Gretchen" Gretchen spun around to see Vince and the rest of the gang in her living room.

"What is this?!" asked Gretchen in horror

"An intervention" said Mikey simply.

"I told you not to call it that!" snapped Vince "Look, Gretchen, we're just concerned, you've lost so much weight. Too much weight"

"I've dropped a few pounds, if that" said Gretchen, her heart rate rising "It's nothing!"

"It isn't nothing Gretchen" said Vince, taking her, and pulling her in front of the mirror "And its more than a few pounds, you're wasting away! Look at yourself!"

"LET ME GO!" shouted Gretchen angrily, panic rising up inside her as hear heart rate continued to increase, she still refused to look in the mirror, turning her head.

"NO! LOOK AT YOURSELF!" shouted Vince, pulling her so she faced the mirror "YOU'RE WASTING AWAY" Gretchen finally gave in, as she started into the mirror. A unfamiliar, gaunt, washed out, pale face girl, who looked dangerously thin, stared at back at her. Noticing the look on her face, Vince continued "Do you see? I'll help you! We all will! These secrets you are walls that keep you alone!"

"NO!" shouted Gretchen angrily, trying to run away, Vince however, caught hold of her wrist and stopped her.

"Gretchen, let us help you" said Vince gently "You have an eating disorder"

"NO!" screamed Gretchen, feeling sick and angry, she began to hit and kick Vince with all her might "NO! NO! NO! NO!" Vince simply wrapped his arms around her, as she continued to hit him, tears streaming down her face as she fell into his arms. Vince slowly lowered her to the floor, holding her as she cried uncontrollably, the reality of the situation just begining to set in.

**I need you to know  
I'm not through the night  
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light  
I need you to know  
That we'll be okay  
Together we can make it through another day**

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::PRESENT DAY/THREE MONTHS LATER::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Gretchen stood in her underwear, looking at herself in the mirror, she'd put on weight and following support from an eating disorder clinic; she'd been discharged three weeks ago, as she reached her goal weight, and it was felt that psychologically, she was okay. Tears began to stream down her face, she felt fat, and ugly, and panic began to rise up inside her.

Her eating disorder had became like her friend for months, always there, right by her side, together they make it through another day without eating. This alliance made her feel strong, powerful and in control. Gretchen realised however, that her relationship with her eating disorder wasn't a healthy one, however hard it was, she knew time to let go. Gretchen knew it was time to take support from real relationships, with those who truly loved her, and cared for her. Now, more than ever she needed someone that would help her through each day, to get stronger and healthier. Pulling out her phone, she dialled Vince's number.

"I need you" she sobbed

"I'll be there in five" said Vince, hanging up the phone.

True to his words, five minutes later Vince was running up the stairs in the Grundler residence, two at a time. He ran, and pulled Gretchen into his arms.

"It's ok" he said gently, stroking her hair "You'll be okay"

"Will I?" asked Gretchen between her sobs "I just feel so unsure Vince, I need you to know, I'm not through the night, battling this eating disorder is so hard. Everyday feels like such a fight; some days, all feel I do is fight to walk towards the light"

"And I need you to know" said Vince gently "That we'll be okay, together we can make it through another day, you're not on your own Gretchen"

"Thank you" sobbed Gretchen "I know that I'll get better, and I know I've made so much progress already, but I'm just so scared. It's just so hard Vince, this isn't something that's going to go away, even in ten years time, it will always be there, it's a lifelong battle. I am just so angry at myself Vince, how did I get this way? I'm supposed to be intelligent! I know I should know better, but I didn't! I knew all the definitions of what eating disorders are, and I know just how much damage they do to the body, but that didn't stop me! I was just so stupid, convincing myself, I was okay, and in no danger as I was taking vitamins."

"We all do things when we think we should know better, yes, you are incredibly intelligent, but you're also human" said Vince simply "What's important is that you're fighting this, and that you're winning. You're strong Gretchen, you've already gotten so far, and I'm proud of you"

"There are days when I'm okay" replied Gretchen "For a moment, I find hope, and I think everything will be okay, but then I see my body changing and it all comes crashing down. But I know I can do it, with your help I can be strong enough to walk toward the light I don't know exactly when, or how, but together we'll make it through somehow"

"Well I will always be here" replied Vince simply "For whatever you need. I love you so much Gretchen, I love you just the way you are, I always have, and always will. You don't need to be anything more than you."

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Well there it was, as I said, I'm not thrilled with this, but nonetheless, I hope you enjoyed this! I'm open to constructive criticism, but no flames please :)

Apologies for any spelling and grammar issues, I'm dyslexic, so may have missed some in proof reading! Please point out any errors for me to correct!

Big Cliffy Meanie x


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